Tuesday, June 21, 2005
welcome to the Southern Tier...
Brian here, reporting from Binghamton, NY. I'm here hanging out at a trendy cybercafe near the SUNY surronded by the college students I spent 5 vacation days trying to escape from. I cannot get away. I also hiked a lake in Ithaca and spent around one hour trying to recover. I'm rather large, and asidiously avoid exercise at all costs. It's a wonder my fat ass can walk to my car in the morning. Anyway, I'm reading "progressive" newspapers, and they really are under the misguided notion that they could actually indite President Bush. I'd be entertained if
I wans't so offended. Absudism did not die with 9/11. I can't answer if that should be comforting or not.
I wans't so offended. Absudism did not die with 9/11. I can't answer if that should be comforting or not.
Monday, June 13, 2005
Another quiet night...
I'm here at one of the branch campuses of my school theoretically working an open house. Of course I had all my customers at once, so I've been catching up on some reading and musing about my life. I get OT for this, but I'd rather be back at my apartment petting my cat and eating dinner. Some people are never happy, even at 35 bucks an hour. I'm such a spoiled bitch. Anyway, I have a big post coming up this week, but I wanted to talk about my trip back to NY from SOBE. The drive down was bad, and I'm more rusty than I thought. It took me 36 hours to get to the Beach and I believe that is the worst time since my first drive down back in '89 which took 6 days. No, that is not a typo nor an exaggeration. Still, I pride myself on being able to drive long distances with some degree of skill and speed and this drive blew all that out of the water. In other words, I'm going soft. Some of this is natural; I am 34, but that does not mean I have to like it or that I cannot do anything about it. I simply choose not to. The drive back was better, although the weather did not cooperate. I drove through Tropical Storm Arlene on Friday and that was kinda scary. I had to stop at the Pompano Turnpike rest stop and wait out the storm for about 45 minutes. I then drove to Ft. Pierce to say hi to my Aunt and Uncle and that was about 2 hours. The weather broke after that and I was able to drive all the way to the GA/SC border before sleeping for 2 hours and then driving. I had to stop again in NC for another hour of sleep. I then drove straight through until home. The total was 30 hours. That's a little more manageable than the drive down, although I could have made it a bit faster with a few changes in my route and stops. I'll keep that in mind for next time.
Friday, June 10, 2005
chilling out on vacation...
Another trip, another post. I'm here at a friend's place on SoBe. I find myself here every once in a while; I went to college at Florida International University in Miami and lived and worked on Miami Beach while I attended. It's soothing to be here, even if I went through hell at times back in the day. The worst was being homeless for the Spring 1995 semester. The school was under major construction at the time, and I found places to sleep on the campus. My class schedule didn't help matters, as I was taking a mini-semester that only met on the weekends. The bus from the Beach would not get me to class on time so I slept in a construction site on Friday nights to make sure I made it to class. What a mess. Ironically, my first semster (Fall '94) I almost failed out and the next term when I didn't have a place I got a 3.0, and this still floors me. If I was not going to school, I would have trundled back to the Poconos in short order. I'm glad I stayed, as I have some great friends and funny stories to tell at parties or any time I want to wierd people out. Almost getting shot at Denny's in April 97 was bizarre, and then I got hit by a bus 2 weeks later. 3 weeks after that I almost died in a near plane crash while coming home from Germany and then got shafted by British Airways in Boston and had a psychotic episode over the phone with BA supervisor Linda Bloodgood. Wackiness ensued pretty much all the time. The only reason I didn't have a complete breakdown was my seeming inability to connect the dots. I wonder if being homeless didn't cause this condition. My psyche was stripped down to pure survival, and I simply didn't even consider the timeline. Another factor was the setting. South Beach was crazy back then, much more so than today. My girlfriend Pat called it my fantasy land with palm trees, and she was right. I guess I just accepted what happened as the price for living here. Nostalgia aside, what did I do today? I hit the nude beach at Haulover Pier. On a random Thrusday not many people are out, but there were a few. Almost all were guys, invoking Eurotrip flashbacks, but fuck it.
Notes on nude beach ettiquite: Some of the questions I get after people hear that not only do I go to nude beaches, I actually like it, are as follows: Q: Should you apply tanning lotion to your nether regions, and if so how? A: Although "those" body parts are always the tannest part of you body (it/they will get darker automatically as you tan, even if you wear a bathing suit) you can sunburn you private parts! I found this out the hard way
on my last trip to Haulover. My dick chaffed for a week. OK, then now how brown cow udder? Very funny asshole. Anyway, you put it on before you get to the beach. Hit a rest room in the parking lot and wrap a towel around you waist, or failing that, put it on and wear a bathing suit which can be removed when you reach the sand. Just don't skip it. Sunburing your willie is lousy, a cancerous mole on your ballsack is bad fucking news.
Q: How do I avoid staring at the stunning nude women? A: I believe you meant to ask me how do I avoid getting caught staring? Right? Yep. I though so...good question, actually. I had perscription sunglasses for a while for just this occasion which worked perfectly when my girlfriend Pat (the one metioned above) came down for a visit. The key is to move the eyes, NOT the neck or head. After a little practice you'll be able to perv with the best of them. This ties into the next question......
Q: What happend if while I swear to God, Pat, honey, sweetie; I was not staring at the three teenaged lesbians slathering tanning oil all over each other 10 feet away from me (true story, BTW) and then laying all over each other like puppies huddling together for warmth I become, ummm...., aroused? A: This is the quitessential nude beach question, and there is no one pat (sorry) answer. I chant "baseball" in my head over and over, this seems to make the little (well, not THAT little) soldier calm down. Others will say they roll over on to their belly, but this only works if you've dug a hole prior to the event. Most of us don't have that foresight when the titties start popping out. You could try to dig on the sly, but you look like your humping your towel. Not cool and ugly to watch. Also, you probably didn't put tanning lotion on your back, either, so unless you decompress immediately, you'll have to go topside too soon anyway. All I can say for certain is good luck when this happens.
Q: With all of these questions, are nude beaches just places for guys to watch nude women without giving away dollar bills? A: No, at least not Haulover. Most of the people who go to this beach are normal people with a wide (some extra wide) range of body types. Really, it's all about body acceptance, not open drooling. The day Pat and I went in '96, we saw the unoffical guardians of the beach attack the table display of a swingers resort (Plato's Retreat 2, but don't quote me on that) and made this establishment aware they were not welcome, period. People are very protective of the nude beach, as is Dade county. When Sunny Isles (a sleepy retirement community full of little old ladies) left Dade County to form a city, Haulover Beach was specifically removed from the new city's boundries so no one would change the clothing optional rules. Millions of tourist dollars find ther way into Dade's coffers beacause of the beach, and they don't want to lose the loot. Anyway, if you did want to ogle, go to South Beach which is topless and hang with half-nude European and South American models in mini-thongs. Just make sure you dig you hole first.
Notes on nude beach ettiquite: Some of the questions I get after people hear that not only do I go to nude beaches, I actually like it, are as follows: Q: Should you apply tanning lotion to your nether regions, and if so how? A: Although "those" body parts are always the tannest part of you body (it/they will get darker automatically as you tan, even if you wear a bathing suit) you can sunburn you private parts! I found this out the hard way
on my last trip to Haulover. My dick chaffed for a week. OK, then now how brown cow udder? Very funny asshole. Anyway, you put it on before you get to the beach. Hit a rest room in the parking lot and wrap a towel around you waist, or failing that, put it on and wear a bathing suit which can be removed when you reach the sand. Just don't skip it. Sunburing your willie is lousy, a cancerous mole on your ballsack is bad fucking news.
Q: How do I avoid staring at the stunning nude women? A: I believe you meant to ask me how do I avoid getting caught staring? Right? Yep. I though so...good question, actually. I had perscription sunglasses for a while for just this occasion which worked perfectly when my girlfriend Pat (the one metioned above) came down for a visit. The key is to move the eyes, NOT the neck or head. After a little practice you'll be able to perv with the best of them. This ties into the next question......
Q: What happend if while I swear to God, Pat, honey, sweetie; I was not staring at the three teenaged lesbians slathering tanning oil all over each other 10 feet away from me (true story, BTW) and then laying all over each other like puppies huddling together for warmth I become, ummm...., aroused? A: This is the quitessential nude beach question, and there is no one pat (sorry) answer. I chant "baseball" in my head over and over, this seems to make the little (well, not THAT little) soldier calm down. Others will say they roll over on to their belly, but this only works if you've dug a hole prior to the event. Most of us don't have that foresight when the titties start popping out. You could try to dig on the sly, but you look like your humping your towel. Not cool and ugly to watch. Also, you probably didn't put tanning lotion on your back, either, so unless you decompress immediately, you'll have to go topside too soon anyway. All I can say for certain is good luck when this happens.
Q: With all of these questions, are nude beaches just places for guys to watch nude women without giving away dollar bills? A: No, at least not Haulover. Most of the people who go to this beach are normal people with a wide (some extra wide) range of body types. Really, it's all about body acceptance, not open drooling. The day Pat and I went in '96, we saw the unoffical guardians of the beach attack the table display of a swingers resort (Plato's Retreat 2, but don't quote me on that) and made this establishment aware they were not welcome, period. People are very protective of the nude beach, as is Dade county. When Sunny Isles (a sleepy retirement community full of little old ladies) left Dade County to form a city, Haulover Beach was specifically removed from the new city's boundries so no one would change the clothing optional rules. Millions of tourist dollars find ther way into Dade's coffers beacause of the beach, and they don't want to lose the loot. Anyway, if you did want to ogle, go to South Beach which is topless and hang with half-nude European and South American models in mini-thongs. Just make sure you dig you hole first.
