Monday, February 11, 2013
Cutting ties...
I began this blog in Feb. 2005; I can't believe 8 years have passed since I first started ranting, and I'm feeling so much older than when I started. I'm 42 versus 34, with silver hair, or none at all. Eh, whatever. I have slowly learned time and tide wait for no man, and life continues with or without my permission. Some things haven't changed; my mother is in the mental hospital once again, for the same reasons as 1994, 2001, and 2008. She went off her medication and ended up in St. Vincent's. I often say her behavior often drove me out of Westchester in '94, but that's a bit of an overstatement. I was planning on leaving anyway; Miami's FIU was on a short list of a few places and schools, but her statement she'd move to Boston if I went to Northeastern University scratched everything outside of Miami off the list. My mother hates Florida, so I knew there would be no crazy people following me. Miami Beach had enough of it's own.
I wonder sometimes if my mother even wants to be well. Back in 1994, she knew I was planning to leave for my Bachelor's degree, as staying wasn't an option. Westchester certainly has it's charms, but it's a bit of black hole for colleges. We have a SUNY, but Purchase is almost entirely an arts college, with limited programs for everyone else. There are private schools, but they were so expensive that I wouldn't even consider it. My mother's breakdown only cemented the fact I needed to leave, though I could have managed the move better, or at all.
All of that is the prelude to my realization. Understanding that my mother stays compliant (taking meds, visiting with her psychiatrist, therapist, etc.), only when a certain level of attention is paid and care given, hit me like a hammer. With this knowledge, I know I'm done. There's simply nothing left for me or for Karl to give, and she'll have to take care of herself without us.
I was a mess over all this for most of last week, to the point I was worried about my own mental health, but doing laundry and going food shopping has an amazing effect on one's perspective. I'm much better now, and I'm happily ensconced in my office, helping students and doing my job effectively. I'm getting better, at least on dealing with this.
There is a darker side to all of this, beyond the obvious. When I titled this post "Cutting Ties," I wasn't referring my mom per se; it was the greater understanding that one of the main reasons I'm tied to Westchester is gone. I'm painfully single, though with Valentine's Day this week, it ain't all bad. Roses and chocolates explode in price, and the pressure to perform rivals losing one's virginity, only it happens every year. To celebrate, I'll go to the Palisades Mall after work and giggle at the stricken couples who can't get a table and the look of horror when the men realize their 2 carat necklace was found out to be zirconium. Seriously guys, she knows better. Even more entertaining are the looks on women's faces when they find out that diamond necklace is real (gentlemen, save those receipts!), and their men want to award a different necklace later that night. Google ZZ Top and necklace if you're still confused. There is no better day on the calendar to be single than the made up bullshit holiday of Valentine's Day.
I also have great friends and a good relationship with my brother, but I don't need to live here for either to continue. Karl and I will be fine if I left, and I still have good friends on South Beach, and haven't lived there since 1997.
I certainly cannot count my place as a reason to stay. The apartment sucks and I can't even own a cat, which kills me. I was in the waiting area of the hospital, and the TV was showing Animal Planet's "Too Cute," and this episode featured an orphaned kitten, who was rescued at maybe two weeks old. Normally a kitten that young won't survive, but the show had a happy ending. The kitty found a surrogate mom, other kittens to play with, and a new human family once he was old enough. I would have taken the cat in the second, but alas, I am not allowed.
So it isn't family ties keeping me here anymore; and while I have to deal with my place, it isn't a reason to stay beyond the debt. So what's left? Yup, the job.
For someone who lived the slacker ethic for so long to have no life outside work is shocking. I realize we all need to grow up, but I always though I'd have something called work/life balance. Well, I don't; so while celebrating 8 years of Internet irrelevance, I pledge to to either find a life worth living here, or get one someplace else. I'm free, and I deserve more. That is all.
I wonder sometimes if my mother even wants to be well. Back in 1994, she knew I was planning to leave for my Bachelor's degree, as staying wasn't an option. Westchester certainly has it's charms, but it's a bit of black hole for colleges. We have a SUNY, but Purchase is almost entirely an arts college, with limited programs for everyone else. There are private schools, but they were so expensive that I wouldn't even consider it. My mother's breakdown only cemented the fact I needed to leave, though I could have managed the move better, or at all.
All of that is the prelude to my realization. Understanding that my mother stays compliant (taking meds, visiting with her psychiatrist, therapist, etc.), only when a certain level of attention is paid and care given, hit me like a hammer. With this knowledge, I know I'm done. There's simply nothing left for me or for Karl to give, and she'll have to take care of herself without us.
I was a mess over all this for most of last week, to the point I was worried about my own mental health, but doing laundry and going food shopping has an amazing effect on one's perspective. I'm much better now, and I'm happily ensconced in my office, helping students and doing my job effectively. I'm getting better, at least on dealing with this.
There is a darker side to all of this, beyond the obvious. When I titled this post "Cutting Ties," I wasn't referring my mom per se; it was the greater understanding that one of the main reasons I'm tied to Westchester is gone. I'm painfully single, though with Valentine's Day this week, it ain't all bad. Roses and chocolates explode in price, and the pressure to perform rivals losing one's virginity, only it happens every year. To celebrate, I'll go to the Palisades Mall after work and giggle at the stricken couples who can't get a table and the look of horror when the men realize their 2 carat necklace was found out to be zirconium. Seriously guys, she knows better. Even more entertaining are the looks on women's faces when they find out that diamond necklace is real (gentlemen, save those receipts!), and their men want to award a different necklace later that night. Google ZZ Top and necklace if you're still confused. There is no better day on the calendar to be single than the made up bullshit holiday of Valentine's Day.
I also have great friends and a good relationship with my brother, but I don't need to live here for either to continue. Karl and I will be fine if I left, and I still have good friends on South Beach, and haven't lived there since 1997.
I certainly cannot count my place as a reason to stay. The apartment sucks and I can't even own a cat, which kills me. I was in the waiting area of the hospital, and the TV was showing Animal Planet's "Too Cute," and this episode featured an orphaned kitten, who was rescued at maybe two weeks old. Normally a kitten that young won't survive, but the show had a happy ending. The kitty found a surrogate mom, other kittens to play with, and a new human family once he was old enough. I would have taken the cat in the second, but alas, I am not allowed.
So it isn't family ties keeping me here anymore; and while I have to deal with my place, it isn't a reason to stay beyond the debt. So what's left? Yup, the job.
For someone who lived the slacker ethic for so long to have no life outside work is shocking. I realize we all need to grow up, but I always though I'd have something called work/life balance. Well, I don't; so while celebrating 8 years of Internet irrelevance, I pledge to to either find a life worth living here, or get one someplace else. I'm free, and I deserve more. That is all.
