financial aid and rants and raves

Or, at the very least, sleeplessness. It’s 3:30am on Monday, and I have not had a good weekend. I’ve been completing my proverbial navel, and I am wondering about the price one pays to achieve one’s station in life. I just finished reading Rolf Potts’ newest blog entry, and I’ll say he had a kick ass year. Aside from a few highlights listed above, I did not. I realize there is little profit to be made from comparing one’s life to life of another, bit Potts seems to having a lot more fun than I am, and I can comfortably state we are fairly similar creatures. Essentially, he has found his passion and muse, and I have not. I invest a fair degree of passion in financial aid, but to date I am not seeing a personal payoff. My friends, used to seeing me at Starbucks drinking coffee and get huge amounts of vacation would probably disagree.

I understand that some of my malaise is a result of Friday’s meeting, but it is more than that. My job, however great, is a means unto an end, not and an end unto itself. I looking ever more at other opportunities and I may need to move faster than originally thought. All I know is this: I cannot expect anything more than passing happiness from work. This is both obvious and counter-intuitive. On one level, I am little more than a snarling bureaucrat dedicated to the ruthless application of obscure and often contradictory rules and regulations. On another level I am an educator and facilitator, striving to serve and guide both my students and the community at large. The extent to which I am one or the other is the key to the debate. In a more positivist light, one could say I am dedicated to preserving the public trust and preventing abuse of public funds, stopping fraud and correcting misapprehensions concerning higher education. All three views are correct depending on the situation (and whether or not I’ve had a decent breakfast).

More often than not, I am the pencil pushing bureaucrat that would make the French stand up and salute. I cultivate this to a certain extent, and I have fun wallowing in the perks of my station. I am fair, although not flexible. Generally, I don’t have the room. Some of the fairness is based in inflexibility. If I make an exception for one person, I would need to extent this to others as well. Eventually the exception becomes the rule. This gets expensive, and suddenly we’re getting audited. (I’ve been audited three times, and passed all three.)

With my status as a standard uncivil servant cemented, I can’t wonder too hard while I get flack from students. I sense an undercurrent that if they complain hard enough, they’ll get what they want. That never works with me, and by God it never will. If that means people complain, so be it. I can and will change my tactics, but I cannot change the rules. I will not worry any more, and although I’ll be a zombie today, I’ll go out and whip ass the way I always do. Should the shit really hit the fan (it won’t), I’ll hit the road. My main concern is kitty, but I may even have a solution for that. More, as always, later

It’s early Sunday morning and I’m here in the crib, typing as I listen to my I-Tunes. I’m anxious tonight, and I doubt sleep will come easy. I spoke to those who be helpful and understanding, and that was therapeutic, if not helpful. An exercise in Gestalt if nothing else, it gave me some space to activate my creative juices.

I’d like to write about the thought process I had before that, though. I’ve written extensively about my various schemes and ideas, although very few have come to any fruition. More recently, I’ve written about what I am not doing; which is all the things I wrote about earlier. Essentially, I'd become more or less happy with my place in life, and any schemes or plans or plots or side projects faded from my mind. I began to feel these were counterproductive and a waste of time, energy, and money. The trip to Binghamton not withstanding, I didn’t feel the need to expend any capital - be it chronological, mental, or financial - on anything outside my daily life and my efforts to improve myself.

My mom stated much the same while we had breakfast Saturday morning. After I explained my situation and my present stae of mind, she remarked I recently seemed more content than I had been since I moved back to Westchester. Since this covers Nov. 1998 to the present, this is quite a statement. This no longer applies at the moment. Right now, that bugs me the most. I lost the simplicity I thought I had. I can’t say if it’s because I hate feeling I was wrong, or because I was right about something deeply unpleasant. Quite the toss up, and my gut is swimming no matter what the reason. As far as my plans, I can’t really say. I won’t have anything to report until at least February, although I did take care of a few things while shopping. I’m sure I’ll feel better come next Friday; I certainly hope so. Right now is the time for meditation and sleep.

Yep, still large. Anyway, my first week of work for the New Year is closing and it's time to chart me progress: not so good. There are different levels and types of not quite good, so I'll elaborate. The getting up on time thing is bad. I was late for work 2 out of 3 days, and I bought breakfast and lunch on one of them. Thursday was better, but only because I start work at 11am, not 8. Not driving has been good, but a big part of that is my work schedule. I worked in Yonkers on Wed., and I work late every Thursday anyway. I was late for work today, but had the presence of mind to grab food as I left. If I can hold off until I get home, I will have spent no money for the day, save perhaps a dollar in parking in White Plains. I did spend $123 in groceries, so I better eat at home. That doesn't explain my eating out with a colleage last night, but I love Indian food and used the plastic, so there.

I didn't hit the gym Wed or Thurs, so that needs to be a priorty this weekend. With work fairly crazy, I probably won't be able to hit the gym during the week, so I'll need to compensate druing the weekends. This is easy enough, and I have no real reason to drive anyway. The exeriment of leavign my laptop at home has worked. It even saved me money yesterday. I finished my day by hanging at Border's and if I'd had my computer, I probably would have bought food and sat down to surf. As it was, I read comics then left, spending the $1 on parking mentioned above. Let's hope for a similar turn tonight.

Finally, I've been granted a revelation of the monumental variety. I have a few of these now and again, but this was the first in a long time. I'll give you an example: When I was a waiter at the Rainforest Cafe' in Rockland, I had the chance to work in Manhattan at one of the swank charity balls in Central Park. I bought a cheap tux, worked, and hung with movie stars for the evening. I had fun, made an excellent impression, and was in line to work there in the future, possibly full time. Suddenly, I was hit with a wave of terror, and I wouldn't take their calls. I did get paid, but that was it. Less than a week later, they lost their contract with the city to operate the restaurant. I would have quit my job and been royally screwed. I can't put my finger on why I felt that way, only that I needed to get out of the situation ASAP. Needless to say, I dodged a bullet.

I'm feeling a similar way now, and there are few with whom I can discuss my impressions. It isn't as dire as the above situation, but it will spur me to action. I was internally debating last night, and I'll talk with Pennye and Mickey, but I know what to do. I'll need to follow up on this, but not right now. I have a busy weekend planned, and I hope I can stick to my goals for the new year. More, possibly tonight....

Well well well... Here we are in 2007, and I'm sitting at my desk crushing the hopes and dreams of yet another batch of students. I'm amazed I get paid for all of this. No, seriously, I'm paying students left and right, and preparing for another speaking engagement at one of the local high schools. I do this all the time, but things have changed rapidly in the financial aid, and I've had to redo my act. I call my spiel "bad information" which is to say that banks are marketing the snot out of their alternative/private loans and feeding parents and students a load of bullshit to fatten their bottom lines. I could go on in detail, but all I'll say is the ads you'll see online and elsewhere are not always the best deal available. Moreover, this is bad for you and good for the banks. Shop around.

Financial aid issues aside, now is the perfect time to look back on the year that was and review. I certainly had my share of ups and downs. By far the low light was my illness. Missing 3 weeks of work, I was shot to hell. The most humbling feeling was looking at the 2 1/2 blocks from the doctor's office to my apartment (all downhill, by the way) and knowing there was no way I would be able to make it. I was 35 and too weak to walk the distance. I can blame a little of my situation on the breath test I took in the doctor's office, but to what extent I couldn't say. It hurt like Hell; I can say that. Getting a cold during the spring was unusually stressful. Once that passed and an EKG stated my heart was beating properly, I started to feel normal. There were other low points as well, such as not working the Faire and the loss of a friendship that I will never again pursue, but there were minor in comparison. Not tending bar at the Ren Faire was a blessing in disguise really, as I survived fall registration much more easily with my weekends free. The party from Hades was also a lowlight personally, for a few reasons, but I'll not cover that today.

I also need to mark the highlights of 2006, and one of the biggest was the official award of tenure. I'm much more secure now, and my future clear. It was a moment 5 years in the making, and I was never really sure I'd make it. Now it's a part of my daily living. I'm looking forward to a more secure and stable '07. Still, the real highlight of 2006 had to be my trip to Miami over the summer. No run of the mill road trip, this was a near transcendent sojourn into a new me, I couldn't have had a better time without exchanging body fluids (and money). We'll save that for the next trip. I didn't make it down for New Year's, but I can't complain. Instead, I spent quality time with kitty and at the gym. I also spent a small fortune on presents and other items, so I really couldn't afford to travel anyway.

Other notable happenings in 2006 were my father's 2 visits, one with Alex and one solo. Both were good trips, but as usual, I spent WAY too much loot. Most of my loot went to laser tag and Dave and Buster's. Never has the term Penny Arcade seemed more archaic. Still, the end result was quite beneficial: my father is now back in the USA, working for a company he left long ago. He'll live in Bethlehem, PA. As such, my excursions to the Poconos will have a side trip or three involved. Other than that, the year had been the usual series of coffee at Starbucks, hanging with Scott and other program people, attending conferences, etc. One unique instance was my trip to Boston for the college, and that was a good time. I look forward to driving to Montreal in April.

As you can tell, there isn't much to review, really, just the rises and dips in a normal life. For that I am strangely grateful. Finally, with any end (OK, beginning) year post, one must, under penalty of blog-law, look forward to the new year. Well, who am I to refuse? 1) I need to continue my efforts at the gym. My health is improving the most consistently I go, and even my "enthusiasm" has returned. (Yay!) 2) Continue to explore and practice meditation. I did a little of this yesterday, and loaded a guided meditation on to my I-Pod. It's official, I'm a Yuppie. (gag...) This can be the guided meditation above or the Buddhist book/DVD in the Brianmobile. More on that as I progress. I just need to remember not to play the meditation track in the car. 3) I need to continue to eat better. I've made a little headway with this, but not much. 4) I really need to eat at home. This means I need to go to sleep a little earlier so I can wake up a little earlier. The more I cook at home, the better I will eat and the more money I will save. 5) Continue cleaning and arrainging my apartment. This desereves it's own post, and I will say more then. 6) Spend a little more time with Kitty. She's used to me being around, and now work and overtime calls. A few minutes invested with Champange is time well spent. 7) Drive less. I know this is a familiar refrain on this page, but it bears repeating. Scott is away for the winter, so I have fewer reasons to jet back and forth. I'll experiment with leaving the laptop at home so I have a reason to head home rather than Starbucks or Border's. 8) Many of the above resolutions (thought I have resisted labeling them as such) revolve around money mismanagement. The less I drive, the more I eat at home, etc. the more money I can save. I wish to buy a home within the next 15 months, and I won't be able to do that without money in the bank.

Can I do these things and live a better life? Time will tell, and until then I wish you and yours a happy, healthy, and prosperous 2007. More in the eteral later.