financial aid and rants and raves

It's fitting that I'm here at Starbucks in Yorktown, as I accomplish more here than anywhere else. How I'm writing this post is not so fitting, however. I dipped into my Ren funds and bought a new laptop. Hardly news, (and hardly top of the line, but I do have integrated wi-fi and antenna) but a big deal for me because I normally don't make big purchases. This is hightened since I still haven't been awarded tenure, although I'll know more next week. I hate being in this stasis, and I'll be glad this is over one way or the other. Life will continue either way, and there will be work to do and adventures to be found one way or the other. With that, I've been honing by worst case scenario plans. I was considering simply becoming some embittered expat and shake my proverbial fist at America, but this has plan has altered somewhat. I'd still be outta dodge, but I'd like to travel. Ironically, I cannot travel much, as I can only take a week at a time besides Xmas. Anyway, the plan would be to ditch the apartment and the attending bills, and move in with Steph or Steve if possible. The only x-factor is psychokitty, and I'm not sure what I would do with my cat. I'll figure something out. Much of these musings will probably be unnessecary, because I should get tenure. As usual: we'll see.

Of course, I really haven't explored life after tenure, and in many ways is far more distressing. I'm not really good at being.... normal, for lack of a better word. I'm always living a life in m y imagination far more interesting than the one I have. That may be some kind of defense mechanism; my subconcious battling with the normality I believe to be an illusion. There's some logic to this: if you don't have an attachment to anything, you aren't hurt if something is lost. That's a fairly limited and depressing reality in it's own right, but there is some "protection" in it. No one goes through life unscathed, and I'm only now realizing how painful it can be. I was always expecting things to get "better," what ever that means, but I'm really realizing that as I hit 35 and 35 hits back, more options have been taken away than will ever be made available. That may not even be a bad thing, as to much choice is just as bad as too little. With that I stand by my plan: I'm saving every penny I can get my greedy hands on between now and next August if I don't get tenure and take a trip around the world; maybe I'll end up writing about it, maybe not. If I get tenure? 10 years to find a wife and raise a family, or I'm likewise outta didge for good. My trip around the world would be taken with the hope I'll find a place to settle, but I know I'm not happy in one place for very long. I can't believe I've been at Starbucks for the past 5 hours. It's time to go home.

Well, another registration has come and gone and by God himself this one was a disaster. 5000 students were seen between August 6th to Sept 15th, which may be a record, but does not indicate an increase in registration. We had more applicants, but not more students. At least it's over for the next few weeks until people start dropping classes and reaping the rewards for never showing up to class. On a personal note, I had the chance to talk about financial aid last night as my old high school, and I was suprised to realize I once was that young and had that much hair. Anyway, more in the proverbial later.