financial aid and rants and raves

Has it been 20 years to the day since I first started this blog? I can’t quite believe it, but the records confirm that two decades have indeed gone by. I’ve seen students that weren’t even born since I submitted my first post, and I truly feel old. My hair, or what I have left of it, is now a bright silver or dull gray. My hearing is diminished, though still serviceable, and my mind, though sharp, has declined ever so slightly. Whether or not I can reclaim my mental acuity remains to be seen. I lost both my parents, broke up with my fiance, which really hurt at the time, kind of had a slow moving nervous breakdown or two, or three, ran my body and mind into the ground working too many side gigs with little to no benefit, especially over the past few years, survived cancer, had 4 knee surgeries, wrist surgery, shoulder surgery, throat surgery and contemplated weight loss surgery. Due to work stress, I had a cardiac incident a year ago, which was both scary and proof of my age-related decline.

I’ve also gained tenure, completely fixed my credit, got $64,000 in student loans forgiven, have a full set of teeth, which hasn’t been the case since 1992, lost 140 pounds from my top weight, have a great set of friends, am in a much better relationship now with my girlfriend Heather, have good relationships with my family, became an EMT, taught a class, which had a rough start but a great finish, earned my English as a Second Language teaching certification, learned to drive a motorcycle, own a condo worth far more than we paid for it (though I don’t live there anymore), and was finally able to free myself from the prison cell that was my co-op. 

Still, what occupies the most space in my mind as I review the past 20 years are neither the bad things that happened nor any of my accomplishments. No, what stands out the most are the things that I didn’t do for whatever reason, mostly fear, with one in particular that will probably haunt me forever. Both my parents died during the early part of the pandemic. I was not allowed to visit my mom at all, but it was at least theoretically possible to spend time with my dad. Here’s the problem: he was living in Europe and international travel was difficult to say the least, or at least Aer Lingus felt that way. Because I didn’t get my Irish passport, I wasn’t able to travel to Germany in time to say goodbye to my father. We did make it to Germany, but were blocked by the nursing home. Had I gotten there a day earlier, I could have seen him. I went to Europe twice but was blocked from visiting him both times and watched him die on videochat. 

My parents’ deaths, while not unexpected, were traumatic for me and my brothers, and both left us with a big mess and large bills. Even worse, not everything is resolved all these years later. The pandemic certainly played a part, but I can’t blame everything on that. I won’t do that to the people I leave behind. I have life insurance and a good sized brokerage account, so my loved ones will be secure. My final wishes are known, and I want people to smile when they remember me and not be stressed because my affairs were not in order.

Regardless, the timing of this post dovetails with the closing of one chapter and the start of a new, and possibly final, one: I have submitted my retirement paperwork. My retirement, or more specifically my retirement plan, has been the source of much angst for the past 18 years. I made what I thought was the correct decision when I first got hired here, taking the stock fund instead of the pension. I did this for two reasons: one I wasn’t sure if I would be here long enough to get vested in the pension (18 months versus 5 years), so I hedged my bets. My anxiety was well-founded, but I survived. I also was convinced that the NYS pension system was headed for bankruptcy, an insane notion as I review the situation today. I went back and forth over this choice, despairing one day, sullenly accepting my fate at other times, and occasionally believing I still made the right choice. The correct answer is that it was both good and bad, but I am finally happy with the choice I made. I lost money in the short-term, and I lost the security of a fixed income over the rest of my life, and my wife’s life as well. This is not a small issue. The downsides are that I would be stuck here for another 7 years from now, which fills me with dread, and when my wife and I are gone, it goes too. 

The TIAA-CREF fund, while paying me less in the beginning, can be accessed without penalty at the tender age of 55. I’ll be 56 by a hair when I’m allowed to retire, which is primarily to keep my health insurance for all the reasons listed above, but I could quit right now and be able to start getting money, albeit at a 10% charge for a few more months. I only found out about this recently, and I was elated. With all the stress at work right now and how it landed me in the emergency room one year ago with a resting heart rate 155 beats per minute, I almost quit, but I’m glad that I stayed. Also, the stock fund will continue to grow if I manage my withdrawals properly, so I could get more money and a higher balance as the years go by, possibly eclipsing the money I would have gotten from my pension. I could also lose my shirt. Only time will tell. Finally, the account is an asset, not deferred compensation. It will live on far longer than I will. It’s an integral part of my legacy, and that’s a wonderful feeling. 

With the money situation settled, I decided to retire, for better or worse. I was going to Twilight, but to add to the list of things not accomplished, I didn’t feel that I could afford working ½ time for two years. I probably could have survived, but things recently have improved at work somewhat, and if I’m ready, I can enter Twilight in 2026. What I cannot do is rescind my retirement paperwork. That is cast in stone, though I had expected to work remotely part time for a few years, further enhancing my financial stability. This is actually quite common at my workplace, and I wouldn't have minded helping students while safeguarding Excelsior and whatever nonsense New York State foists upon higher ed in the immediate future. 

With that, what does the future hold both for me and this space? I don’t know just yet. Many of my immediate plans depend on a few things not yet resolved. If I have enough money saved, one way or the other, then I will use Twilight next year. I was going to work all of January and half of February then return to work halfway through August through December 23rd, when we close for the holidays, adding a few hours in between. With that, I’d be done with full time work. The college threw a monkey wrench into those plans in a way I could not have expected. As a result, if I did work ½ time, I’d just work from January to the end of June, then seek greener pastures elsewhere, most likely Florida, if my girlfriend Heather agrees. As I mentioned above, I’ll certainly work part-time after 2026, if I’m needed or wanted. The future income on which I was relying is now in doubt. There are too many variables for such a monumental change, one that is coming very soon. I have to remind myself that the die was cast, and I cannot undo it. Whatever happens, I’ll need to adjust accordingly. 

As for this space, is there anything more to say? I don’t know. Certainly there are plenty of financial aid topics on which I can expound, but I don’t really care anymore. Moreover, does anyone else? I could discuss the fate of the country and fleeing the US, but all my bloviating amounted to nothing, and  I’m not going anywhere. No, I believe it’s time to turn off the lights on this little corner of the Internet. I won’t delete the blog, since it serves as an historical record for me, and I may throw a few posts on here in the future if anything drastically changes, but I’ve said all that I need to say for the moment, and it’s time to move forward.