financial aid and rants and raves

I have a lengthy blog post sitting in my draft file. One of my more serious essays, I've been working on it for weeks, with no end in sight. I could never nail down a single, cohesive narrative framework for the post, so I just kept writing and writing. This first half of the post was actually decent, but I couldn't quite get the transititon from the set up to the pay-off. After a quick re-read, I still can't, and I've been writing it for over a month.

Chasing my tail isn't really productive, but I felt there was some benefit to my efforts. Less a stream of consciousness and more a laundry list of connected activities, it's at least as long as my Anya post, and approaching my SOBE trip post. Alas, it is no longer relevant. Beginning with a review of the year after AnyaGate, the overarching theme was my taking the ESL certification class here at the college, but the class was a MacGuffin. I was really preparing for a life after financial aid specifically, and WCC in general. The process of deciding to take this class (or, more accurately, why I believed taking the class was necessary), made me stressed and grouchy, but I felt it was an important step in preparing for what I have repeatedly said was inevitable.


In one sense, I have benefited, just not the way I expected. Attending these classes has been great, and I have gained confidence in a subject I already had, as well as developing new skills. Lesson planning and pedagogy are those new abilities, and I am thrilled to have acquired them. The forgotten skill was my command of the vernacular. The English language is a royal pain to learn and teach, and few Western languages are as difficult - on both counts. Take this from someone who has tried to learn German since he was 3.


The program was a worthy idea, but the execution was faulty. I simply couldn't keep up with the classes as well as my job and the rest of my life. With this in mind and an office conversation about the workload we're facing this summer, I'm dropping out of the class. I hope I can pick up where I left off next October, but that's a big maybe. As it is, the main reason I wanted to shift to this work isn't even available. The ESL program doesn't have tenure lines anyway, and the workload for even one class is heavy. That didn't mean I wanted to quit, but I really couldn't do a good work on both the class and my real job.


So I sit here with a heavy heart, but a weight lifted from my shoulders. I just sent the email, and the die has been cast. Before sending the email but after deciding this was the correct course of action, I had the most productive day at work in weeks. The irony hasn't escaped me. I have mountains of folders to scale, and I'm mentally clear enough to overcome them. None of this short-term relief changes the macro reality. The big picture remains the same; I still believe things will get progressively worse, and by things, I mean all layers of American society. Economically, we (the average American, local governments, the federal government, yours truly) have debts we cannot pay; jobs are either outsourced or low pay; my profession will cease to exist, and as a nation of laws, we will crumble like the Soviet Union. These will occur regardless of who wins the 2012 election, and whether or not America gains "control" of her spending. That will never really happen, but some people on the Right believe it like some others believe they'll win the lottery with a few Quick Picks.

I still need to prepare, and now is the time to do it. This tactic was either ill-timed, or not the right approach. I'm glad I tried, both for the reasons listed above, and simply because I got off my ass and pushed myself outside my comfort zone. As lousy as I feel right now, I have zero regrets.

Still, this begs the question: what should I be doing? Well, I already know I should be paying off debt, saving money, losing weight, etc. Then again, name me an American who shouldn't be doing those things. Anyway, aside from the general tasks, what else should be I doing or building or learning, or whatever? What vexes me is not that I have no good answer; it's that there may not even be a good answer. The best course of action may be nothing more than laying low, and I mean LOW. No TESOL class, no sailing course, no road trips, nothing beyond getting my Irish passport.

It's scary (and unsatisfying) to come to the conclusion that no plans are really appropriate right now, or a complete waste of time, but I can't argue with the evidence. Collecting new skills has been interesting, even fun, but I haven't been able to use them to truly better my situation. I've also burned through tons of money in the process. Life is so much more enjoyable when you're trying to learn and grow in new directions, but spreading yourself too thin and neglecting your real-world duties is less enjoyable. So, as I sit in the low light of a cloudy evening here at Starbucks, my summer has been restored; to what purpose, I cannot say.