financial aid and rants and raves

What ever my fate, I promised myself I wouldn't go back to sleep. The TESOL program was a bear, as I've already mentioned. I knew this going in, and I knew I could do the work. I speak to students all the time, and am always attempting to educate them on financial aid, choosing classes, preparing for transfer, etc. Occasionally, I'm even successful. Combine that with my love of the English language, and I figured I would be an acceptable teacher. I would just need to overcome my fear (there's that world again!) and put myself in a position to publicly fail.

Well, there some rough patches, and many sleepless nights filled with anxiety. I did well enough in both my lesson plans and preparation. I expected this. I even expected to be good at teaching, assuming I didn't have a nervous breakdown. I didn't, though I won't deny there were days when I wanted to collapse, but I couldn't quit, not when someone stuck his neck out for me.

Again, I expected all of the above, even the near breakdown(s). What I did not expect was how much I would love teaching, and how much I would benefit. I ate it up like candy. I actually looked forward to to being in the classroom, and the feedback from my mentor was terrific. I felt alive for the first time in years. Everyone noticed, even the other students, who didn't know me.

So now, 5 weeks later, I wait.There's a part of me that would have preferred not to take the class at all than to know what I feel what I felt or know what I know, and not be able to experience it again or use the knowledge I developed.

To wit I reply: fuck that defeatist attitude. I've grown more than in years, class or no. If I'm not teaching this term, I'll try again in January. Until then, I have my orders: lay low, and keep growing. Along with the question of what I'd do if I weren't afraid, I have a new mantra: no more moral victories. Every new venture, of any type, must have a specific reason and tangible reward. Registration  is done; there's clean-up of course, as there always is. What is new is the understanding that I'm much more capable than I'd thought, and I can no longer let me fears stop me.